My Bleeding Heart,
CW- Domestic Violence
Living in the USA feels like being in an abusive relationship.
I should know. I escaped several. My life is a series of loving the wrong people, building up with them and losing it all, being left with the choice of escaping with nothing but the clothes on my back and my kids in tow.
And to my credit, I left every time.
It never made the leaving easier, although with time and self love, I have learned to tolerate less and leave sooner. What took several years of being married to a narcissistic (recovering) alcoholic who put me through every manner of torture imaginable, my last ‘big exit’ took a few weeks.
What I’ve learned is more about myself, more about people and what makes them tick, as a wise meme said the other day “born to be a hater, forced to be an empath that understands why you are the way that you are” and more about how complex and deeply entrenched the malaise of the world are in each of us, weather religion, patriarchy, white supremacy and colonization, I overstand, my role in my own suffering and the inexcusable ways in which I have been treated in the past.
This experience informs so much of my personal development, my practice as an artist, my moral and ethical fortitute as an advocate and my decision to self-deport back to my motherland soon.
This doesn’t take away the pain of loving someone (or being love-bombed/trauma bonding) and feeling like you cannot live without them.
I remember my last Valentine’s Day with those abusive pieces of shit. Trying so hard to keep the peace, make everything nice for them and myself, suffering in silence when expectations were not met, and the little voice inside my head reminding me: is this what you want for every holiday and every off day for the rest of your life? Do you love yourself more?
My heart aches. This is our last V-Day in America. Sure, its a commercial holiday which by all account harms people more than it brings them together (think service industry workers overburdened, farmworkers, under the threat of raids picking your strawberries and flowers and whoever is unfortunate enough to clean your hotel rooms tomorrow) yet we are conditioned since childhood to give each other valentine’s and make the most out of the obscene opulence we are bombarded with.
I do not have the bandwith for that this year. I been working like a dog doing everything from interpretation to cleaning houses to secure the funds needed to get out of town before they make me. I feel exhausted by the consistent misunderstandings, misinformation and infightings and sometimes I lose hope that any thing can be accomplished. Other times, i am elated at the notion that America is so close to revolution, and that I’ve met leaders and every day people who have a clear and pure idea of the good they wish to see in the world, and do it to the best of their ability. Keeping joy alive is a constant struggle but one worth fighting for. So amidst this shitfire, I hope that today, you have a sweet treat, that something colorful captures your attention and you remember that there is beauty in the world worth fighting for.
Leonina Arismendi is an award winning Uruguayan artist, human rights advocate and environmental justice activist in the process of rematriation from living in the USA for 25 years back to their Motherland of Uruguay. Support their safe transition: https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-the-arismendi-family-in-their-return-to-uruguay
